The nostalgia of being back
2009 represented a big change. I moved once again, but this time, back home, back to Brazil, after almost 10 years. As I slowly settled back (and still am) I dissected thoughts and feelings – the sensation of not knowing exactly where you belong, a bit of disconnection from everything and everyone as a result of moving to a different country, new home, starting over, new people, new streets to remember, new paths and words to memorize… This sensation was calmed with the warmth of being back, with reliving and meeting again, feeling familiar tastes and seeing familiar faces.
This Christmas eve I felt the nostalgia of being back. Being back in a place where I had lived and was struck with this melancholic feeling. I arrived in a foreign airport where an immigration officer stamped my passport (after a bit of questioning) and went on with the feeling of being home. Is that normal? The land is not yours, the language is not your mother tongue. But at the same time it is. And it is home, in that strange way. I was back in the US after two years. It was the longest time I spent without setting foot in the USA. It was a strange, warm feeling.
Passing by the streets, watching the landscape from the car window, recognizing routes I used to take – memories came back as flashbacks. It all came back to me: how I arrived, how I left; the people I met and used to see often. I remembered the reasons – of going, of leaving. I lived that nostalgia of going back to a place which was once home.
And what feeling is that? It´s the one that makes you remember, slowly observe everything and everyone, and see the differences. What has changed? What has remained the same? Who moved?
You feel like going to your favorite restaurants, to walk around the streets, simply gazing. You feel like going back, for a while. It makes you compare.
I remembered what I liked and what didn´t really please me; what was simple and practical, what irritated me; what was beautiful, what was tedious; what was organized, what was laborious.
To live this mostalgia is not simply to remember. It also means to transport yourself and reconnect yourself. It means to relive while longing and yearning.
To live in different places is a blessing and a curse. We meet different cultures and people, we fill our minds and souls with new experiences that magnifies us. When you miss someone, feel cold or experience culture shock, you grow, mature and judge less. But then there´s farewell and parting yet again. The end of a life and the beginning of another. And we´re never the same again. We will forever miss people, places and things. Even if everything were the same, you are different. Only the essence remains, the rest is a permanent transformation. However, the one thing that never changes is the feeling of always missing something or someone.